The Gift

By James Butts

When I was a kid growing up, I was called a wide variety of names... Yes, I know what some of you are thinking, and to be honest, you are probably correct. With a last name of Butts, you tend to get a bit thick skinned. The jokes are just too easy to come up with, the complete insensitivity of children (or is it the innate knowledge?) drove them to make countless jokes about my name to get under my skin.

It's my first name though that I am referring too. You see, I am really known as "The Artist formally..." Ack...wait, I do that stuff under a different email name...no, I am officially known as James Ellsworth Butts Jr. Yup, my dad named me after him!!! Had he known how I would turn out, he might have thought differently...or... Ok, has anyone noticed how much I tend to stray and deviate from whatever topic I started out with? Oops...Ok...back on track...Yup, I was "Little Jimmy", and I was "Jumbo", and I was occassionaly referred to as "James Ellsworth"...there was a period of time that I was called "Kennedy", and often I heard myself referred to as "YOUR SON". Never in my youth was I Jim. You see, there was only one Big Jim. That was my dad. Everyone knew the name. It was uttered with a mixture of reverence, loathing, fear, pride...or what have you. A lot of it depended on who you were, and what my family thought of you. If a family has a Bouncer...my Dad filled that role.

He is a big man. A man's man. He stands six foot tall, some two hundred and seventy pounds. What he might lack in height, he makes up for in plain old nasty disposition. He could cower a giant with a single glance. I have seen my father fight. I learned of the brutality that lurks within men at his side.

That was well over twenty years ago. That was three heart attacks ago. That was before he quit drinking. That was before he quit doing drugs. That was before he was diagnosed with diabetes. That was when he was still married to my mom. It was a life time ago. The manner in which my dad lived his life when he was younger, left him with a body that betrays him on occassion. His list of medicines that he takes on a daily basis is long and complicated.

His blood pressure is pretty much controlled these days. His abnormal heart beat is controlled through a combination of medicines for the most part. His back sucks. The blocks that he gets to control the pain last shorter and shorter it seems. He can't travel like he use to. Those twin hundred pound bags of flour he use to haul on his shoulders would probably double him over now. His name is still said with hushed whisper in some parts of the city, but he isn't the man he use to be. Now he is just, Jim Butts Sr. My dad, the grandfather to my kids, and one hell of a person. Just thinking about him right now brings tears to my eyes. Today he and I took a walk through the pastures with all the kids running around. Eight of his grandchildren, only one was missing. All of them running and laughing and playing in the fields as he and I made our way behind them, talking with one another.

My dad might have kicked ass when he was younger, but now he is even more awesome as a grandfather and as my father. I gave him something today. Something that I consider to be rare and wonderful. Something that I never thought I would be able to experience. And I watched an ember become kindled in his eyes. I watched a passion take fire. I watched a man who is my father see life again. Life refreshed. Life new and wonderful. Watching Cheyenne fly to my father's fist was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life. My hand steadied his elbow as she landed. My dad turned and looked at me, his blue eyes blazing. That glance we shared told us each a lot. Now he understood my passion, and he shared it as well. I don't know if my dad will ever fly a hawk, but being able to give him the experience of having one land on your fist... I don't know how to describe it. I gave him something that he valued more than any store bought gift could ever bring. I gave him something special. Each of you know exactly how special having one of these magnificent creatures fly to your hand is, and I shared that experience with my father today.

I am Little Jimmy...and you know what...I like the sound of that more and more each day.

God Bless each of you,

Jim Butts